Coming Out Of The God Closet
I have a secret that until this moment I have only admitted to a tiny handful of people. I’ve kept it to myself to avoid embarrassment for my family, and alienation from my friends and neighbors. There’s a good chance that admitting my secret may cause potential employers to discriminate against me, and it will almost certainly prevent me from ever holding an elected office.
While other minority groups have made great strides in gaining public acceptance, people who share my secret are still largely in the closet. A few have come out and become militant activists, and others have never felt the need to keep their identity secret. Because many of us fear public reprisal, it’s impossible to know our true numbers. I’m not sure why I’ve chosen this moment to come out, other than that I feel the need to finally get it off my chest. The frustration has been building up inside me for long enough that I feel like shouting from the rooftops. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN GOD!
Many skeptics and disbelievers report a growing sense of doubt or a gradual loss of faith, but that was never the case for me. From my earliest childhood, I cannot recall a moment that I did believe. I don’t know when children develop the intellectual capacity to deal with abstract concepts like religion, but I know that I have never considered it to be anything other than a mythology. Even as a young child, I never doubted that religion was a purely manmade construct.
It’s hard to say whether my upbringing had anything to do with my non-believing status. My parents came from very different religious backgrounds, and neither of them ever attempted to indoctrinate me in their way of thinking. My mother took me to church on a sporadic basis until I made it clear that I was not buying into the program. She gave up by the time I was ten or eleven. My sisters became what I call social members of the Episcopal church as teenagers, and they have followed that path ever since. I have not attended a church service for at least 35 years.
The only time I have ever seen my father in a church was for a wedding or a funeral. He seems to have some vaguely spiritual beliefs, but I don’t have any idea of the specifics. Whatever he believes, he keeps it very much to himself. The only thing I know with certainty is that he is offended by my lack of belief, and tells me that it is incredibly arrogant to assume there is no higher power in the universe. Unfortunately that’s as far as the conversation ever gets.
My mother was raised a strict Christian Scientist, and her mother died in her early forties after refusing medical treatment for breast cancer. She also had a younger brother who died around the age of six or seven. I still don’t know the specifics because it was never spoken about, but from what little I have been able to determine he died from a purely preventable childhood illness while his parents prayed for his recovery. My mother kept this a secret until I was in my twenties, and only admitted it when I found a picture of him. I know his name was Robert, but that’s the only detail she ever shared.
At some point before I was born, my mother left the Christian Science church and became an Episcopalian. Until the final few years of her life, her involvement with the church was infrequent and purely social. I’m not sure what triggered it, but around the age of 60 she returned to Christian Science. I believe she was drawn by the social aspect since they had recently moved to a new city, but the church very rapidly became the main focus of her life and remained so for the next several years.
My mother faced a true crisis of conscience when she was diagnosed with cancer, and ultimately made the decision to accept medical treatment in spite of her faith in the healing power of prayer. I think this was an extraordinarily difficult decision, and it left her feeling guilty and isolated from the people who should have been her support network when she needed them most. I truly believe that the decision broke her spirit and diminished her will to fight. Her condition deteriorated rapidly and she died within a few months.
Given my parents’ wildly divergent backgrounds, I suppose I could have grown up believing almost anything. One might assume that my lack of belief is simply a rejection of my mother’s faith, but that is not the case. She was so secretive about her background that my beliefs were fully formed before I was ever aware of hers.
I’m not the kind of militant atheist who seeks to disprove the existence of god, or even to ban the Pledge of Allegiance. I have no problem with the fact that we celebrate Christmas as a national holiday, and I find the efforts of those who attempt to secularize the holiday season to be pointless and silly. I am not offended by anyone’s religious beliefs, and no one should take offense at mine. All I really wish is that we could establish clearer boundaries between the realms of politics and religion. We are all free to believe as we see fit, but none of us should expect to see our particular beliefs enshrined in law. The fact that we are a nation largely of Christians does not mean that we are a Christian nation.
Well said, Chris; you hit the nail square on the head.
Kudos to your public ‘outing’, Chris.
I’ve never fully understood the near-militant perspective people of all relgious backgrounds take against atheism. Everyone wants the freedom to choose their beliefs, but they take affront at anyone making the choice to actively not believe.
Good luck now that you’re out in the open.
….just a minute Chris, let me make a not of that.
I just re-read ‘Deathbird Stories’ by Harlan Ellison and I think you would like it. Deities are constructs of man.
I like to say ‘Christ is Cool’, in the sense: There was obviously a VERY Charismatic human who influenced others. The fact that people decided to write about him is a bonus.
And hey, my god of choice has an elephant head (I like elephants:) But that is the crux. I like Ganesha so I chose him. I don’t see many Christians accepting my rational.
Now the higher power thing is a problem of semantics based on my belief in Extra Terrestrials. ET messing with early man is a cause and effect I can understand.
So how do you feel about ghosts? (any form of another plain of existence)
Other Chris,
You are right about the semantics issue. I have little doubt that there are higher powers in the universe at least in the sense of more advanced life forms.
When it comes to spirits or life after death, I’m pretty much the ultimate skeptic. As far as I am concerned the life we live here on earth is pretty much all there is, so we owe it to ourselves to make the most of it.
Chris, I agree with about 80% of what you talk about in your blogs and your eloquence in expressing yourself is unsurpassed. Your courage in admitting what many of us would like to admit, but fear reprisals, is to be commended. I am not sure what purpose your “coming out” serves, but if it makes you feel better and it gives us something to talk about, so be it. I, too, was made to go to Sunday School as a young child and still, to this day, have bad memories of those times. Even then I had questions that I wanted answers to, but was afraid to ask, because then people would see through me and know that I doubted. It makes me smile when I hear people interpreting the Bible in ways that will support their cause, when another person interprets it entirely the opposite way. I have been around religious zealots and bigots all my life and, thank goodness, none of it has rubbed off on me. I was at a function last week (mostly women) in which the speaker touted that Christianity was the only way to get “salvation” and that Buddhists, Muslims, and other groups were all going to hell. I almost walked out of the gathering, but did not want to offend the person who had brought me as her guest to this gathering. I don’t know where I am going after I leave this life, but I don’t dwell on it every day. There is a lot more I could say, but I don’t want to rant.
Lynda,
When you take away the threat of eternal damnation the prospect of death isn’t nearly so frightening.
Dear Chris,
I’m sorry your experience growing up in a Christian Science lacked a knowledge of God. Mine was very different than what you described. Not only did I comprehend the tangible existance of God in my life, but I witnessed and experienced many healings through prayer alone. They include healings of disease, accidents, financial difficulites, and sin. One of my favorites was a healing of a cancerous growth on my abdomine from prayer alone.
A few months ago, my twenty-something son, who was not practicing organized religion at the time, was going through a rough patch. On his way to a sports bar to watch a game one Sunday morning, he heard words spoken clearly and audibly compelling him to “go to church.” Having been raised in a Christian Science Sunday School, he found the nearest Christian Science church, which was only a few blocks away and sat down in a pew. When the service began, he felt an overwhelming sense of belonging and good will wash over him and he began to weep. He later told me, “dad, now I know how it feels to be touched by the Holy Ghost.” Since then he has joined that little group and received a good deal of support from the connection. A few weeks later, he met his fiance’ at church. She also felt compelled to attend. I think it was the prayer of the members confirming the utility of church in that community that spoke to both of them. Many are being blessed by the same prayer and the group is growing.
I could continue telling examples of God in my life and in others, but I doubt if that is what you want. I just noticed your blog and it seemed to be screaming exactly the opposite of what you were saying. So here is testimony offered humbly by someone who had a different experience than yours. Take it for what it’s worth, but I’d love to talk with you some more.
Respectfully,
Tim
Tim,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, but I am a little confused by your comments. First off, I had absolutely no exposure to Christian Science until I was an adult, so I did not grow up with it. I’m also curious to know exactly what my blog is screaming. If you believe that I have some hidden desire to develop a relationship with God, that’s probably more wishful thinking on your part than mine.
I’ll skip back up to the ghosts/spirits comment.
If you look at some of the fringe sciences (or, parapsychology and its bastard children), there are some ‘realistic’ theories to define spirits outside the realm of religion. A great deal of it has to do with the bio-electric engine that is the human body and mind and the ability of that energy to remain present after death. Honestly, I’m a little foggy on the principles, as I haven’t read much on parapsych since I was about 19 or 20.
As for aliens, well, it’s simple math if you think about it. The odds of Earth being the only planet in the Universe to have developed sentient life are slim, given the potential number of planets out there, many of them closer to the center. I wouldn’t doubt there are some rather highly evolved and/or highly tech-ed up civilizations out there.
I was only attracted to your blog after reading some of your comments on the wordpress.org forums. I couldn’t help but to visit the blog of somebody who seemed so negative and self-righteous. Then again, after reading the first few entries of your blog, it’s easily understood. I haven’t read enough of your blog to know if you’re married or not, but I truly doubt that you are. Possibly, bout doutful. You’re probably to full of yourself, to want to give anything to anybody else. But then again, I could be wrong. As for your post that I’m commenting on, I won’t say that I don’t support your thoughts. I’m neither a believer or a non-believer. I’m still stuck in the middle. Not playing it safe, I just haven’t made up my mind yet. However, it’d be easy for me to lean in your direction, considering the life that I’ve had and events that have sculpted me. But back to the point. You really come across as, well, an asshole. I don’t even know you, but I can say with great certainty, base on your wordpress comments, that you really are an assole. Maybe on that’s been lost for a really long time, who is now finally starting to be comfortable with himself. Who knows….90% chance, that this post will never see the comment section of your post.
John,
I will not delete your post just to prove you wrong, but in order to live up to your expectations I have to point out that you made 5 spelling errors in the space of 1 paragraph.
Yes, I did. And a true introvert would have corrected them. lol
Chris, I know what you mean about shouting from the rooftops. I have that same feeling about finally deciding that I am done with religion. I won’t say I’m done with God because, truthfully, I’m scared to say it. But man, I feel like a load has been lifted. I finally feel like I am being true to myself after TRYING to believe in God my whole life. Feeling silly and hypocritical when I went to church. Feeling guilty when I didn’t. But with this election and all the hate coming from the conservative Christians, I was like, that’s it. I’m done with this crap. No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with gays and yes I do believe in evolution because it’s SCIENCE that has been PROVEN! And the next time someone invites me to church, I’m going to say, “Thanks but no thanks because I can’t abide by any group that teaches hate and that includes saying gays are sinners.” I feel like a load has been lifted because I have been ashamed of myself for not speaking up for gays or admitting what I believe in.
Just like you, some people have suggested that I have “turned away from Jesus” because I have a problem in my life. Actually, it’s been just the opposite. When I had problems, I thought the same way, but was afraid to reject religion. I was weak. I had problems. Now I don’t have any problems. I am quite happy. And feeling strong, I am being more true to myself. Perhaps you have come out because things are good for you?
I wrote about my rejection of religion on my blog. It’s called, “How Sarah Palin Turned Me off Religion.” I’d love for you to read it.
http://www.GreenerPastures–ACityGirlGoesCountry.blogspot.com
John,
If you’re still reading this, I’d just like to point out that the ‘middle road’, as you put it, is never a matter of ‘playing it safe’. It’s a matter of trying to decide between irrational faith and empirical, scientific proof as a deific presence.
I’ve been in Debi’s previous position, trying to force my way through faith during times when it was contradictory to what I felt was right based on my personal perspective. I chose being agnostic as my more comfortable path, as it makes sense to me to require logical and rational proof either confirming or denying the existence of God and other entities. It is not, by any theological standpoint, ‘playing it safe’ (which, in all honesty, Pascal’s Wager would be more definitive as a ’safe’ route).
Any consideration that the agnostic’s ‘middle ground’ is playing it safe is as equally offensive as referring to an agnostic as a ‘weak atheist’.
As a sidenote, I would like to point out the following from Webster’s Dictionary:
asshole – a stupid, incompetent, or detestable person
Or, in this case, perhaps we might say, “Pot….Kettle…”
P.S. Chris is, in some ways and to some people, an asshole. I, however, happen to find him a likeable one.
P.P.S. I’m one, too.
Ok, so you finally acknowledged the obvious. Do you want a medal or something?
THis reminds me of all those “I started a blog!” articles that all the dinosaur journalists were writing a couple years ago, or all the “I gave up my typewriter for a word processor” articles before that.
So you’re an atheist. BFD.
Some Guy,
I guess to some folks it is a bigger deal than to others. Perhaps it’s all a matter of perspective and life experience. Living in a small community in the heart of bible country it’s still the kind of admission that can have significant consequences.
@Some Guy–that is just what you are “some guy” but you for got to put your middle name “some ASS guy” Who the hell do you think you are? If you don’t like his blog and what he wrote, then why the hell did you even comment or stay on this blog, for that matter to ever bother to read his post. It’s HIS blog, and he can write what ever he wants to.
Oh and I suppose YOU are suppose to be a Christian right?
@Chris, I think your post is awesome. I too came out of the “christian closet” about a year and a 1/2 a go. I got sick of these Christians walking around preaching the good word, yet they can’t walk the walk. They do all their praying and preaching til something pisses them off, then they get all psycho. Preachers take your money so THEY can get rich and leave the poor to be even more poorer. Oh it’s a long story, but, I like your post and the hell with anyone else who doesn’t. If they don’t like, they should just stay away.